Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Trashy TV Canceled for the Day

I'm back at a Starbucks because sitting in my house means I either watch trashy television or...trashy movies. Sometimes I get sucked into good things, but usually it's a marathon of "I Love the 90's" or something and then my entire day is ruined.

This morning my grandmother had knee surgery for which I was nervous. She's freaking 90 and I was like " this a good idea?" Apparently it was because she made it through just fine and even her surgeon was like "She has stronger bones than ladies far younger than her that I work on. So frankly, she's totally awesome" (Note-I might be paraphrasing. The sentiment was there, I don't believe these words were.)

I'm trying to get this fucking Polish paper done because frankly, it's hanging over my head like whoa. I want it done, I want someone to write it for me. Mostly because I want a job. Most of the jobs I'm applying for I only have a mild interest in. The idea of being an administrative assistant just doesn't ring my bell quite as much as it should.
And it needs to ring it good and hard because my bank account is scary sad and low.

I think what I really want to be is one of the following-

1. A writer. I mean, let's face it. Getting paid to do that would be extraordinary. I want to write fiction, I want to write mysteries, like Phillip Marlowe style.

2. A Professor. I keep looking at adjunct professor gigs and my heart goes "SQUEEEEEEEEEE". I have no interest in filing, I have an interest in grading. Writing tests, teaching, terrorizing children into a love for linguistics sounds like a life's calling. SQUEEEEEEEE indeed.

3. Lists should have more than two things, so here's the third one on it. Maybe some kind of shop owner-like a baker or something. Maybe.

I have to do something soon though. Any of you have an idea?

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Like A Fat Kid At A Buffet

In the last few days I realized that I have a lot of things weighing on me, some of them I can control, some I cannot.

The things I can control I need to start dealing with. I'm excellent at hiding in a hole (or my room or the kitchen, eating my feelings out of a Cool Whip container) and ignoring them, pretending everything is fine when it is so obviously not.
Much less so when I run out of said Cool Whip.

Anyway. In hanging out with Shara yesterday I bought new bras. I probably shouldn't have given that I have no income, but man were my old ones...old. And busted. My boobs were quite excited to have new harnesses to rest in. And they're pretty.
While we were bonding over cupcakes (or at least I ate the cupcake. I was hungry and the ensuing sugar headache was intense, but worth it), I sort of outlined the fact that my plate is overflowing with shit. It's like a fat kid at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Some of these things I can take off the plate and it'll make it easier to carry.

Some of the things are just going to have to stay on the plate.

It's this logic that has led me to my local Starbucks, sitting at a table that is too small for me because everyone is hogging the bigger tables that I would like to sprawl out at. I've obvs got the laptop here and the plan is to work on this paper that has been plaguing me since...April  January.

I think leaving the house is a step forward in working because now I'm not home to babysit my mother, who ends up taking an extraordinary amount of my time. I don't know if I'll be home for dinner and even though it means I'll be doing lame-o work all evening, it's kind of liberating. There is a Panera right near by so I can grab dinner and work there if I need to keep this party going, because this is a BIG FUCKING THING I have got to get off my plate.

The BF would be very proud of me. I know he doesn't bring it up often, but I know he disapproves of how I babysit. I'm trying to break the habit, one Shaken Peach Green Iced Tea at a time.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Hope and Hanging Out and Olive Oil

The BF gave me some fairly unwanted advice today about the fake faux internship and how I should stick it out until they get rid of me despite me not doing a whole lot, learning a whole lot or anything else for that matter.
While I know he has a point, that doesn't mean I really want to hear it. I'm feeling extraordinarily beaten down these days between that greedy Ms. Mae and soon the Feds are going to want their money too. I need something that pays cold hard cash money.

In the meantime I hung out with my friend Shara who is moving to Denver. I am very sad that she is moving to Denver, as she is basically my bestie here. She was a bit late in meeting me (she had a doctor's appointment) and I went walking through Birmingham.

I generally dislike Birmingham as it can be full of seriously snotty people who aren't ever told no.

They also don't know what a crosswalk is for, or how to not hit someone who is walking through it.

Anyway. There is this olive oil shop that I like and I wandered in to grab a bottle and I saw they were hiring. I chatted with the saleslady and got a bit of a lead on something that looks like full-timeish employment!!
I don't want to say too much now, for fear of totally jinxing it/tempting the wrath from high atop the thing. I get bitten by mosquitoes a lot and don't want to go outside right not to turn around three times and spit.

It's the first time in a bit that I feel hope. It's a strange and exciting and I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, which is something I'm really good at doing (by really good I mean really bad, because that means I spend a lot of time getting utterly crushed).

But a little bit of hope is nice. It means I'm not feeling the need to walk into traffic for funsies.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Itching and Quitting

I think I have to quit my fake internship. I also have a veritable ankle bracelet of mosquito bites on my legs. They are itchy and the BF is anything but amused.

Back to the quitting.

I know, I know. I'm unemployed, right? An internship looks great on a resume!
But it's...fake.
Faux. A faux internship.

I go to a fairly chic magazine here in town twice a week and fill in at the front desk. I really like everyone there, but I'm not learning a whole lot. Some of it is because I'm not there all day. I originally was going to be, but my brain issues (see here and here) along with some other symptoms prevented me from going all day. It worked out well, I cannot complain. They were very good to me when I was insanely itchy and shaky and unable to think straight, much less answer a phone.

But now, my position might be coming to a bit of an end. And considering I know for a fact that the other interns A)Do more than me and B)Don't look up stuff on the internet all day (Hey! It's all educational! Smithsonian and Scientific American and Ars Technica and whatnot...)...I think I have to quit my faux internship.

I'm hoping it will result in something that pays. And isn't a synonym for fake faux. It sounds more chic that way.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Drive Faster

I have opened this page many times in the last few days before closing it again without writing anything. Today, however, is different. It finally dawned on me-No one is reading, so it doesn't matter what I write. So long as I think it's funny that is.

A heatwave has come here to Metro Detroit and we Yankees aren't used to it in the least. It's humid, it's hot, you see the wavy lines when you look at stuff far away because it's so toasty. I avoid most of these things by not going outside, however there is no air conditioning in my house.

This means I am adept at attempting to staying cool in the severe heat. I hopped in my car today in the hunt for air conditioning (I'm looking at you Starbucks) and had some work to take with me.
However, in the quest for someplace cooler than my kitchen, I kinda kept driving. I told myself I'd stop at the next one I saw except I must've been going down the most country road ever (except it's not) or I just chose not to see all the coffee shops with all the free wifi.

I kept driving. I turned down the occasional road just to see where it went. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I did something with no schedule, no plan and no...nothing. I had a vague idea on what I wanted to do, sure, but I just...went. I had no phone calls to make for my parents, I didn't have to babysit my mother because she doesn't eat like an adult if I'm not home, I didn't have any kind of itinerary...

It was shockingly liberating. I had a really hard time coming home.

But it was a good lesson. I can do what I want. I can do anything.
I'm going to be okay.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Working on the Night Sweats

I went to the neuro yesterday and got a mostly clean bill of health. I mean, is my brain malfunctioning somehow?
Does it currently seem that I have some sort of terrifying brain disease a la MS or Parkinson's or something else that is going to eventually kill me?

This is obviously very good news. The BF took it very well too. I don't think I knew just how worried he was and he hid it very well.

Of course I was then looking forward to a restful sleep. It's been awful hot here lately and I hadn't been sleeping well because of it. And then it cooled off. So I was looking forward to a restful night's sleep with my fella in the cool cool eveningness of it all.

And of course, right when we get all snuggled in, the fucking night sweats start. I got SO insanely hot that I couldn't think straight. It was absolutely awful. I felt so bad for the Fella because I tossed and turned and pouted like a small, angry child.
I didn't cool off until about 5 am and of course, he gets up for work at 6:30. He says I didn't disturb him, which is probably true because dude sleeps like a fucking rock.

I, on the other hand, am still kinda groggy from sweating like a menopausal lady all night. It might also have something to do with the Tylenol PM I took at about 12:30 am.

At least I'm not shaking.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


Yesterday I received a really big bitch slap directly to the face from Sallie Mae in the form of my first student loan repayment bill.
The total?


Let us assume for a moment that I was gainfully employed somewhere and not stuck living at home, waiting for neurologist appointments and whatnot. What on earth makes Sallie (I should probably be more polite and refer to her as Ms. Mae) think that I can afford that amount anyway? Even the lease on really really fucking nice cars like Jaguar and whatever aren't quite that much.

Needless to say, I spent the rest of my evening crying last night. My mother handled it like a champ. My father handled it like a jerk. He eventually stopped being jerky, but he certainly fanned the flames.

I will say I called Ms. Mae this morning and they did work with me on lowering my payment so I can't besmirch them too badly. The lady on the phone was very nice and very apologetic so I couldn't get mad at her. It's just upsetting knowing that this is a debt that will follow me for...ever. And I understand that I made this choice myself, no one forced me to do it.
It's still total bullshit that college costs enough where you taking out a loan is the obvious choice for college. I can only hope that things will start to go down? I don't see it happening anytime soon though.

I have a horribly itchy bug bite on my knee-I'm not 100% sure it's a mosquito bite and it itches something fierce. I've had it for nearly a week.
I see the neuro tomorrow. Maybe she can give me something for it.