Spoiler alert: They're not.
Once I staunched the bleeding and doped myself up on a fartload of Benadryl, I slept for the first time in a few days. It was a beautiful, yet still itchy, thing.
This itching has gone on for the last 10 damn days and yesterday I reached a boiling point. I went to the store, I bought some Dreft, and went on an
I washed the following--
And I didn't even wash all my clothes. But approximately 5 loads of laundry later, I hope to have this itching under control. Rationally, I know this won't make much of a difference. That doesn't mean that I'm not a big believer in the placebo effect though. I even plan on taking some Dreft over to the BFs house to wash basically everything he owns, because ohwhynot.
Otherwise I'm going to have to start sleeping with gloves on.